Alcohol and Grapefruits: Grapefruits soon to come
by Zyx
Summary: The rating is for some naughty words and very slight innuendo. The lad's get slightly drunk. If you like I'll write another, if you don't I'll write another to spite you.
1. Why Grapefruites?

Zix: This fic is entirerly .... fictional .... Any resemblance to any characters anywhere is fairly predictable being as I based it on a bloody game. The situation is not intended to be bare any relationship to anything ... although it probably does.   
Skitz: You shut up yet?  
Zix: I was but I can't just let that remark go now can I?  
Skitz: Idiot.  
Zix: I'm going to ignore that.  
Skitz: This is set in any ff8 town - it doesn't matter. If you like, review and want more then Zix will write more.   
Zix: Actually I probably will anyway but I'll be more motivated to do it. So here it is, the one nobody has been waiting for being as this is my first ever fic, ALCOHOL AND GRAPEFRUITS: GRAPEFRUITES SOON TO COME!!!  
  
Irvine began to grin, "Now what I really need is a ... a ... a ... thing!" Zell having just taking a swig of Fosters snorted in amusement and the froth came out of his nose. He stood bent over double coughing up the alcohol.  
"Piss heads!! Fucking Piss heads!!" A passer-by yelled. Squall fell over.   
"Alcohol! Helping ugly people get laid!" Zell shouted back, then joined Irvine and Squall arse in the dust.  
"I'm happy!!!!!!!!"  
"Your drunk Squall"  
"Yeah you are Squall," Irvine piped in when Squall started violently shaking his head, "You're never this much fun if you're not out of your head."  
Squall shook his head again. "No I'm not 'coz I can remememememba every little thing thatssss 'appened. Firs of all we wenta Dollet an Irvyine got drunk..."  
"Bollocks!!" the accused drunk screamed and went rummaging round in the bag for a bottle opener.  
"Then we flu to Esta an' had sex."  
Zell stopped attempting to down the bottle of vodka and looked interested and worried at the same time. So far what his esteemed commander had been saying was utter crap but depending on who they'd 'had' sex with, he might stick to this story. "Who with?"  
"Loadsa women. Outnumbered us a a a 'undred to one they did! Still lads, we 'ad 'em all!! Then we went back to Balum 'n' Rinoa was allll mad. Then I told 'er 'Shut up an' screw me Bitch!' So she did. It was fun."  
  
Irvine in attempting to blow the froth of his ninth bottle of Fosters got alcohol in his eye and had started screaming. Zell, forgetting that he had his gloves on, girly slapped him and made Irvine go to sleep. Squall kicked him in the more sensitive area and he woke up again.  
"That hurt." (you can really tell the author isn't a guy can't you? Shall I try that again? Okay then.)  
Irvine in attempting to blow the froth of his ninth bottle of Fosters got alcohol in his eye and had started screaming. Zell, forgetting that he had his gloves on, girly slapped him and made Irvine go to sleep. Squall kicked him in the more sensitive area and he woke up again.  
"Nurk!!" Irvine grunted whilst trying to pull his legs into his own torso. Squall vaguely wondered what the problem was. Then he realised he had Seifer's steel toe-capped boots on. (What was squall doing wearing Seifer's shoes I hear you cry. Imagine. For those innocents they could have made friends, for the rest of you....well)  
"That had to hurt." Zell now appeared to be the only member of the group to be able to string a complete sentence together being as Squall was smashed and Irvine's nuts were. "How long have you been drinking Squall?"  
"Since 3."  
"It's been longer than an hour. Oh you mean since this afternoon? That explains a lot." Was what Zell was half way through saying before someone (himself) let off a massive fart and he burst out laughing.  
"What are we doing now then?" Asked Irvine when the laughter had subsided and his nuts weren't as painful.  
"Lyin on the floor you idiot!"   
"Nah nah. What d'you wanna do now?"  
"........."  
"Irvine"  
"Yeah Zell"  
"I think Squall's gone into 'melancholy stage'"  
"Bugger"  
"How are we gonna solve it?"  
"...give me your socks"  
"What're you gonna do?"  
"Go behind that bush, I don't think Squall's gonna run off, they don't usually and Squall's usually down. He'll probably be catot ... cats ...catatonia???"  
"Catatonic"  
"That's the bugger. I'm going now. You come to."  
  
2 minutes later......  
"And introducing the one, the only Miss Cowgirrrlll!!" Zell drawled as Irvine came out from bush. He had his coat wrapped over his head in a bad imitation of a wig. He had taken of his shirt so only his purple waistcoat 'filled out' by socks covered his torso. He looked like a tall man dressed in drag, badly. This of course was exactly what he was.   
"Shit he's asleep. You can dress normally now man."   
"Do I have to?" Irvine replied giggling. "Listen shall we screw round with Squall?" he said braneshing a pair of handcuffs.  
"...... er ...... I'm not really like that and the guy's all"  
"Not like that."  
"What you got handcuffs for?"  
"I was a little Boy Scout. Always prepared. Now are we gonna strip him to his pants and handcuff him to a tree or not?"  
  
Zix: So what do you think? Please review. I don't mind criticism as long as it's constructive.  
Skitz: Yes you do, you'll cry about it.  
Zix: ......... MEANIE!! Waaaaaaaa!!! 


	2. Again, no grapefruits yet

Chapter two Alcohol and Grapefruits: Again, no grapefruits yet  
  
Zix: This fic is entirerly .... fictional .... Any resemblance to any characters anywhere is fairly predictable being as I based it on a bloody game. The situation is not intended to be bare any relationship to anything ... although it probably does.  
Skitz: What the hell are you playing at?  
Zix: (looks guilty) Nothing ... Okay so maybe I was. What about it? You've done it lots of times!! I've heard you!!  
Skitz: You can't post a chapter this short!!! And after so long!! You've only written two fics, it'll kill your career!!  
Zix: What?? You mean I should get paid for doing this? And anyway, you wouldn't let me!!  
Skitz: No, you're not good enough, or consistent. I'll cover the management side of things anyway. You people! Yes YOU!! the one reading this!! Give good reviews else the Zix gets it!!  
  
Squall began to wake up from the stream of unconsciousness that can only be provided by alcohol. He mused for a while what he, Irvine and Zell had done after an all might bender. Nope. Nothing immediately sprang to mind although he did remember having sex. Lots of sex. Lots of sex with lots of different women.  
Can't have been a bad night then, can it?  
He pulled down his hands for the morning ritual and discovered that they really didn't want to come down. More than that his wrists hurt as he tried harder. Great. How was he supposed to rub the sleep out of his eyes now?  
More of an immediate problem, what was keeping his hands up behind his head? It felt like ... metal. He shook his head and tried to wake up, he knew what these were, he'd worn them before. If he could only remember...  
Handcuffs!!  
Now handcuffs; he did not remember handcuffs. Must have been after he'd spanked Rinoa ... and Quistis ... and Xu ... and Selphie ... and ... Ellone? Man that's incest. But back to the more immediate problem (hey, what's wrong with webbed feet anyway?) were they the kind Squall was used to? The cheap ones that chafed from the FH sex shop that had a mannequin that looked just like Irvine; the really lifelike one that seemed to blink and move when his back was turned. Yep they were. There was the unlocking mechanism. He stood up and adjusted his spiderman boxers.  
Well come on, I know it's cheating but it's not my fault Rinoa always forgets about it. I do need to pee on occasion! Stop lookin at me like that u big mean tree...hang on...what the bloody hell is a tree doing in the master suit?   
Oh shit, where am I?  
  
He paused, and then, as any self respecting man that couldn't find a beer would do, went and pissed in the place he'd just thrown up. Some strange, ancient, biological urge brought up the idea "let's go find a fig leaf" but Squall disregarded the idea, partly because he didn't know what a fig leaf was, mainly because he didn't know what he'd do with it. After hanging around long enough to determine some food wasn't going to suddenly appear from the air he headed off.  
Off to find his friends  
Off to find food  
Off to find some paracetamal...paretsetemal...pain killers  
  
And ... hopefully, off to find some trousers.   
  
Skitz: Morning ritual. Bet you had them all going there for a minute.  
Zix: What do you mean by that?  
Skitz: Bloody hell. You really don't have a clue what I'm on about do you? You wrote all those... those... innuendoes but don't have a clue what they mean.  
Zix: What's an inyouendoh? *shrug* Sorry for taking so long everybody. Not a bad difference between 3 weeks and 7 months is there? I had exams and Skitz found something she liked doing more than bullying me.  
Skitz: I'm being creative!!  
Zix: You're making a bloody row! 


End file.
